my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
