If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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