I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
if only i could text you this smell
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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