He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Randomize
