This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
ok first of all what the fuck
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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