I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
