Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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