I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
