wanna go halves on a baby?
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
