I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Randomize
