I just pynch a tree in the face
there's paper in my vomit.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
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