there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
