oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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