In the future we'll all be gay
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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