i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
