I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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