My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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