Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
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