I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
