Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
did you just send me my own nude
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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