took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
We need to get me chipped asap
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Randomize
