wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
