A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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