I faked an abortion last night.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
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