Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
