Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
