i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
i need some magic done to my vagina
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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