When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Randomize
