I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
you had me at cake vodka
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
