Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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