1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
