I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Randomize
