Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Randomize
