I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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