Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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