Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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