Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
