it wasn't lemon gatorade
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
