You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Randomize