Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
