I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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