i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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