Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
