I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
