That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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