Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
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