bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Randomize
