I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I need to stop coming to work sober
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Shitshow foam night was such a success
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
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