Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
