So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Green mimosas i think yes
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
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