when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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