apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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