Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
