you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Randomize
