shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
do herpes really smell.
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I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
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Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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