i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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