filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
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