I want to have your abortion
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Randomize
