i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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