I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
