dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
