Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
