That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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